It has been three fucking long weeks since i saw him.. i was prepared to go off on my vacation to the cold city up north this weekend with every intention to drown myself with alcohol hoping that with it goes all of my feelings for him and possibly rekindle a flame with eyecandy of August. Truth be told im questioning our so called relationship wheter im committed enough or the total lack thereof. If he really loves me the way he tells me he does or if i really love him the way that i tell him. if we were both in it for the same reasons or were just in it for all the wrong ones.
furthermore is it wrong to be feeling something for someone else that you just dont feel for your somebody? (yeah i know why the hell am i even asking or pondering about it). But what can i do, i so seriously long for the connection that i felt with him that i dont feel anymore, but i feel with that certain someone else. grr could this be just a result of us not seeing each other and a string of fights that we had, or maybe im just playing all the other what if’s card that i have..
im just such an emotional mess right now. it just dawned unto me that i may stunted when it comes to relationship, why is it that the freaking wall that i built around my heart just so it doesnt get heartbroken and run over again is so fucking like the great wall of china now. i hate it that i have become so guarded, to the point that i would prefer “intimate non commital relationships” you know those hassle free pseudo relationships over this kind of “lovey-dovey, seem-like forever relationship”. haay what has become of me?
maybe this vacation is what i need, to clear my head and to give me a better perspective..
…. wish me luck