Sashimi Dreams…

tales of a sashimi lover

AN OPEN LETTER TO YOU November 3, 2008

Filed under: love&relationships — iceedebbz @ 4:33 am

Dear You,

You came into my life when i least expected someone, when i wasn’t even thinking of love. At first you were the sort of person i’ve been looking and wanting for. I honestly believed and felt that you loved me. i felt like the most beautiful princess. i had buterflies in my stomach, a smile was plastered perpetually on my face, i would look forward to waking up every morning and reading your messages and waiting for your phone calls. i was happy despite our distance. But now that we are closer, it seems like we are farther than we’ve ever been. i now feel the distance, i feel the coldness, i feel the loneliness.. i dread the days now, especially because i dont know if you will call or text me or if your cell phone is turned on, and today more than ever because you are leaving in two days. we have only seen each other once and i dont know when the next will be,  today or tomorrow or never. i despise this situation, i am in constant pain now, my heart is always heavy, i stare blankly into space, i lay in bed the whole day doing nothing, i dont feel like seeing the rest of the world, i break into tears. no one has had this effect on me for a long time. Self-preservation has failed me this time. This pain i feel now is worse compared to the repeated drops of candle wax on my skin.

i want to be numb, i dont want to feel anything anymore, because now when you say that you love me, i dont feel that you mean it, it is nothing but habitual and empty. you say that you cant live without me and that you would not know what to do without me in your life but something tells me you already know what it feels. i think you let go of me that first meeting because everything went haywire after that. i wish you’d just pull the plug and end my misery.

i dont want to do the ending because im not sure that i can because i know i will always try to understand you. i love you and i always will, i hope that you know that and for everything that i have done wrong in your eyes i am sorry, i truly am.

lastly, thank you for your time, your love and all this relationship has taught me. i wish you good life, better career, good health always and the one who i could have been.

loving you always,

your baby

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:) November 6, 2007

Filed under: events,love&relationships — iceedebbz @ 9:11 pm

it’s registration week in peyups and today as i was waiting inside AS101, one of my “long-time crushes” a.k.a Mr. Afable and I finally had our first conversation…

a little history.. when i was working as a registration assistant in the College of Science, there was a “totoy-ish looking dude” who walked in the office doing the usual registration requirements, i found him really cute coz he looked so clueless and lost plus i think he was sleepy, like a cute puppy.. 🙂 I processed his documents and had a crush on him eversince.

the next time i saw him was in Kalayaan dormitory when Enuh was giving a talk about fraternities to freshie guys.. after this we’d see each other in SC, AS corridors, hallways, steps, you name it. we’d give each other the acknowledgement nod and smile. but we’d never say a word. there was this one time when enuh and i were at AS steps having our usual ciggy break, he passed by and enuh suddenly screamed ” Miiisteer Aaaaffffaaabbbllleeeee!!!!!!!!!!” hahahaha that was one of the most humiliating moments of my life :- )

so fast tracking to earlier this day, we were sitting together on the bench, it was really awkward since we both were stealing glances from each other until

M.A : sige tagalan nyo pa (refering to the RA processing his form 5a)

D : ha?

M.A : ah sorry kase ang bagal nila, di ko na alam kung ano ang ginagawa nila sa paper ko

D: oh ganun ba, medyo busy kse ang office baka nakapila pa, btw you’re from socio ryt?

M.A : yeah pano mo alam?

D : i have a friend na prof sa Socio kase and i saw you nung nagpunta ka sa room nya looking for ur previous adviser

M.A : ah yeah but i dont remember her name na..

D: thats ok.. pero u were originally from CS diba?

M.A (really gulat) : woooooooww! you have such a good memory.. (his very nice way of saying shet are you a stalker??)

anyway that was a portion of our conversation… i found out that he was from physics as well and had shifted out the same year i did. hahahaha.. anyway atleast now he knows my name and i know his…

Dear God, are we soulmates??

 

love lost, THE ONE found?

Filed under: love&relationships — iceedebbz @ 11:51 am

ah yes a short lived romance, but i couldnt be bothered anymore. not with someone who doesnt know my real worth, one who is not capable of loving someone the way she should be loved. i will not settle for anything less.

the trip to baguio did serve its purpose, getting me drowned with alcohol, and meeting with an acquaintance to further our friendship that coud turn into a possible romance. not the best time i must admit but i was happy nevertheless.

he makes me smile, he makes me feel so important, like im the most beautiful girl in the room. he makes time for me. i dont realy want to get ahead of anything but i feel an instant connection and im pretty sure that he does too. his gestures, his body languange, plainly his thoughtfulness..  and he makes me very happy.

anyway before i get carried away too much, i was pretty amazed at myself how quickly i made a decision, how fast i got over A. i think the decision dawned upon me even before hopping on the bus to Baguio..

maybe that is the mystique of that pine city, it just makes you forget all the pain.. 🙂 with that wonderful red lion pub with 24 hours service and uber friendly staff, crew and owners to boot! helping you nurse that trouble away.

so to you my loyal reader the expat brat, the next time you’re in town we will hit baguio that’s a promise!

 

STUCK IN A RUT October 25, 2007

Filed under: love&relationships — iceedebbz @ 10:04 am
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It has been three fucking long weeks since i saw him.. i was prepared to go off on my vacation to the cold city up north this weekend with every intention to drown myself with alcohol hoping that with it goes all of my feelings for him and possibly rekindle a flame with eyecandy of August. Truth be told im questioning our so called relationship wheter im committed enough or the total lack thereof. If he really loves me the way he tells me he does or if i really love him the way that i tell him. if we were both in it for the same reasons or were just in it for all the wrong ones.

furthermore is it wrong to be feeling something for someone else that you just dont feel for your somebody? (yeah i know why the hell am i even asking or pondering about it). But what can i do, i so seriously long for the connection that i felt with him that i dont feel anymore, but i feel with that certain someone else. grr could this be just a result of us not seeing each other and a string of fights that we had, or maybe im just playing all the other what if’s card that i have..

im just such an emotional mess right now. it just dawned unto me that i may stunted when it comes to relationship, why is it that the freaking wall that i built around my heart just so it doesnt get heartbroken and run over again is so fucking like the great wall of china now. i hate it that i have become so guarded, to the point that i would prefer “intimate non commital relationships” you know those hassle free pseudo relationships over this kind of “lovey-dovey, seem-like forever relationship”. haay what has become of me?

 maybe this vacation is what i need, to clear my head and to give me a better perspective..

…. wish me luck

 

bitten by the love bug.. October 2, 2007

Filed under: love&relationships — iceedebbz @ 10:24 pm
Tags: ,

just a few minutes ago, i changed my status from single to in a relationship..

i know its cheesy, and even though its just for formalities’ sake, i was trembling.. i couldnt even muster enough finger muscle to click that icon. Don’t get me wrong, i like this new status im in now, its just that im not used to it anymore. it’s been ages since my last relationship. i have come close to one a number of times but never took the plunge. i was a coward, afraid to be hurt, afraid to love and give love. one of em boys said something that really struck me, “you know what D, you are so bottled up, you do not want to let anyone in, it’s like you always have an excuse for everything, parang you’re keeping and saving yourself for someone”

Yes, i may have been waiting and saving myself for someone.. someone i dont even know would feel the same way for me, so that got me thinking. then a lot of what if’s popped up.. so i told myself, the next time it happens, the next time someone wants me and loves me, i will take the plunge so long as it feels right.

.. and thank heavens, this time it felt right. so right. 🙂

A and i met in a very unconvential way, he was very frank, straightforward and a bit mayabang for my taste, but he does grow on you.. we havent known each other that long, but it feels like we do..

so yes this is me taking that deep dive, that plunge, that free fall into love..

love is in the air..