Sashimi Dreams…

tales of a sashimi lover

AN OPEN LETTER TO YOU November 3, 2008

Filed under: love&relationships — iceedebbz @ 4:33 am

Dear You,

You came into my life when i least expected someone, when i wasn’t even thinking of love. At first you were the sort of person i’ve been looking and wanting for. I honestly believed and felt that you loved me. i felt like the most beautiful princess. i had buterflies in my stomach, a smile was plastered perpetually on my face, i would look forward to waking up every morning and reading your messages and waiting for your phone calls. i was happy despite our distance. But now that we are closer, it seems like we are farther than we’ve ever been. i now feel the distance, i feel the coldness, i feel the loneliness.. i dread the days now, especially because i dont know if you will call or text me or if your cell phone is turned on, and today more than ever because you are leaving in two days. we have only seen each other once and i dont know when the next will be,  today or tomorrow or never. i despise this situation, i am in constant pain now, my heart is always heavy, i stare blankly into space, i lay in bed the whole day doing nothing, i dont feel like seeing the rest of the world, i break into tears. no one has had this effect on me for a long time. Self-preservation has failed me this time. This pain i feel now is worse compared to the repeated drops of candle wax on my skin.

i want to be numb, i dont want to feel anything anymore, because now when you say that you love me, i dont feel that you mean it, it is nothing but habitual and empty. you say that you cant live without me and that you would not know what to do without me in your life but something tells me you already know what it feels. i think you let go of me that first meeting because everything went haywire after that. i wish you’d just pull the plug and end my misery.

i dont want to do the ending because im not sure that i can because i know i will always try to understand you. i love you and i always will, i hope that you know that and for everything that i have done wrong in your eyes i am sorry, i truly am.

lastly, thank you for your time, your love and all this relationship has taught me. i wish you good life, better career, good health always and the one who i could have been.

loving you always,

your baby

 

officially on xmas break December 18, 2007

Filed under: reflections — iceedebbz @ 1:40 pm
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yes, im officially on xmas break.. this school year has got to be the year with the latest xmas holiday, breaking all forms of tradition since the oblation run and latern parade usually happens on the same day, but this year the lantern parade happens tomorrow.

honestly i havent seen a lantern parade in all my years here in the university coz i’d usually be halfway to bahrain by then, enjoying a transit in HK, happily settling in our flat, or going round geant at the time. will this year be different? oh definetely! for one im not going back home to Bahrain, but if im catching the lantern parade, that we’ll have to see.

i have been confining myself here in my pad since the weekend, going out only to buy food and go to class.. i have been very anti social lately, it sucks na. Even going out with my friends make me feel lonely, rubbing the fact  that im alone since all of them are part of a couple. Don’t get me wrong, i love the fact that all of them are together, im very very happy for them, since there is no one else that id like to see with them but their respective partners. but being with them just makes me think about what i dont have. (gawd, will i be an old maid? hope not)

so how will i spend my xmas break this year? well aside from hibernating at home, i’d be spending xmas with family friends in cainta, then hopefully my birthday baguio trip will push through. if no one’s available, then i will go up alone! hehehe.

life is good!

 

:) November 6, 2007

Filed under: events,love&relationships — iceedebbz @ 9:11 pm

it’s registration week in peyups and today as i was waiting inside AS101, one of my “long-time crushes” a.k.a Mr. Afable and I finally had our first conversation…

a little history.. when i was working as a registration assistant in the College of Science, there was a “totoy-ish looking dude” who walked in the office doing the usual registration requirements, i found him really cute coz he looked so clueless and lost plus i think he was sleepy, like a cute puppy.. 🙂 I processed his documents and had a crush on him eversince.

the next time i saw him was in Kalayaan dormitory when Enuh was giving a talk about fraternities to freshie guys.. after this we’d see each other in SC, AS corridors, hallways, steps, you name it. we’d give each other the acknowledgement nod and smile. but we’d never say a word. there was this one time when enuh and i were at AS steps having our usual ciggy break, he passed by and enuh suddenly screamed ” Miiisteer Aaaaffffaaabbbllleeeee!!!!!!!!!!” hahahaha that was one of the most humiliating moments of my life :- )

so fast tracking to earlier this day, we were sitting together on the bench, it was really awkward since we both were stealing glances from each other until

M.A : sige tagalan nyo pa (refering to the RA processing his form 5a)

D : ha?

M.A : ah sorry kase ang bagal nila, di ko na alam kung ano ang ginagawa nila sa paper ko

D: oh ganun ba, medyo busy kse ang office baka nakapila pa, btw you’re from socio ryt?

M.A : yeah pano mo alam?

D : i have a friend na prof sa Socio kase and i saw you nung nagpunta ka sa room nya looking for ur previous adviser

M.A : ah yeah but i dont remember her name na..

D: thats ok.. pero u were originally from CS diba?

M.A (really gulat) : woooooooww! you have such a good memory.. (his very nice way of saying shet are you a stalker??)

anyway that was a portion of our conversation… i found out that he was from physics as well and had shifted out the same year i did. hahahaha.. anyway atleast now he knows my name and i know his…

Dear God, are we soulmates??

 

love lost, THE ONE found?

Filed under: love&relationships — iceedebbz @ 11:51 am

ah yes a short lived romance, but i couldnt be bothered anymore. not with someone who doesnt know my real worth, one who is not capable of loving someone the way she should be loved. i will not settle for anything less.

the trip to baguio did serve its purpose, getting me drowned with alcohol, and meeting with an acquaintance to further our friendship that coud turn into a possible romance. not the best time i must admit but i was happy nevertheless.

he makes me smile, he makes me feel so important, like im the most beautiful girl in the room. he makes time for me. i dont realy want to get ahead of anything but i feel an instant connection and im pretty sure that he does too. his gestures, his body languange, plainly his thoughtfulness..  and he makes me very happy.

anyway before i get carried away too much, i was pretty amazed at myself how quickly i made a decision, how fast i got over A. i think the decision dawned upon me even before hopping on the bus to Baguio..

maybe that is the mystique of that pine city, it just makes you forget all the pain.. 🙂 with that wonderful red lion pub with 24 hours service and uber friendly staff, crew and owners to boot! helping you nurse that trouble away.

so to you my loyal reader the expat brat, the next time you’re in town we will hit baguio that’s a promise!

 

STUCK IN A RUT October 25, 2007

Filed under: love&relationships — iceedebbz @ 10:04 am
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It has been three fucking long weeks since i saw him.. i was prepared to go off on my vacation to the cold city up north this weekend with every intention to drown myself with alcohol hoping that with it goes all of my feelings for him and possibly rekindle a flame with eyecandy of August. Truth be told im questioning our so called relationship wheter im committed enough or the total lack thereof. If he really loves me the way he tells me he does or if i really love him the way that i tell him. if we were both in it for the same reasons or were just in it for all the wrong ones.

furthermore is it wrong to be feeling something for someone else that you just dont feel for your somebody? (yeah i know why the hell am i even asking or pondering about it). But what can i do, i so seriously long for the connection that i felt with him that i dont feel anymore, but i feel with that certain someone else. grr could this be just a result of us not seeing each other and a string of fights that we had, or maybe im just playing all the other what if’s card that i have..

im just such an emotional mess right now. it just dawned unto me that i may stunted when it comes to relationship, why is it that the freaking wall that i built around my heart just so it doesnt get heartbroken and run over again is so fucking like the great wall of china now. i hate it that i have become so guarded, to the point that i would prefer “intimate non commital relationships” you know those hassle free pseudo relationships over this kind of “lovey-dovey, seem-like forever relationship”. haay what has become of me?

 maybe this vacation is what i need, to clear my head and to give me a better perspective..

…. wish me luck

 

may i just rant.. October 7, 2007

Filed under: reflections — iceedebbz @ 7:11 pm
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it’s the final stretch of the sem,  finals week has arrived. yes i do not have much on my plate anymore, but what’s bugging me is a groupmate in one of my subject, yes that groupmate is also a friend.

we have to submit a paper for that particular subject, its one of the last requirement, we are doing a rush paper, a paper that i have no idea what the turnout will be.

i have been a great groupmate, one would even say “those that have been my partner are lucky”. but why oh why am i having a groupmate from hell!!! one who would rather team up with someone else who have finished the paper (atleast the first draft) and do nothing. One, who a few moments ago texted and said that i should help her, i should make salo her coz she has a lot of things to do as well a paper for another subject which is due tomorrow and that she is crying while doing her paper.

she basically wants me to do the paper by myself, gawan ko daw nang paraan! potah! i practically did everything already…

i hate these kind of people.. one who would rather get a grade knowing that they did not deserve it. how can they sleep at night?

yes she is still my friend, but i am so pissed off at her right now.

when do u know when to cross the line between friendship and being a groupmate in an academic pursuit.

this is not grade school or high school anymore!!!

and if and when you do decide to study abroad, i hope that you never be like this again..

 

on loneliness October 6, 2007

Filed under: reflections — iceedebbz @ 1:55 am
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Loneliness is worse when it seeps through the middle of a conversation,

while you laugh or while you see beautiful places or things.

When waking in an empty room is less cold

than waking next to someone with his arms around you.

When you would rather spend friday night watching tv

than a night out with your friends.

When you are willing to throw away everything for nothing.

When you would choose to have no one care.

Loneliness is worse when solitude becomes more endurable than company,

and worst,

when you look forward to it.